


decide on me

by likebrightness



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Maggie POV, POV Maggie Sawyer, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9071227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likebrightness/pseuds/likebrightness
Summary: It’s stupid, and she knows it, even when she’s drunk off alien booze she knows it’s stupid. She goes to Alex’s anyway.She goes to Alex’s because she’s drunk, and an idiot, and half in love with her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [decide on us](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9071230) is Alex's POV of the same story. both can be read as stand-alone fics.

 

 

Maggie thinks it might not have been a good idea to ask for the alien booze. It wasn’t the alien booze that could _kill_ humans— she’s not feeling that destructive— but it’s definitely stronger than what she’s used to.

Strong enough that when M’gann takes her keys and calls her a cab, she doesn’t go home.

She goes to Alex’s.

It’s stupid, and she knows it, even when she’s drunk off alien booze she knows it’s stupid. She goes to Alex’s anyway.

She goes to Alex’s because she’s drunk, and an idiot, and half in love with her.

She’s not sure she’s ever felt like this for someone before. She’s never connected this easily, clicked so fast. She’s never realized so early on how important someone was to her. Alex is so, so important to her. Alex makes her chest feel tight, makes her whole body feel weightless.

Maggie is not _soft_. Maggie is not open. Maggie has been closed off since she first thought a girl was pretty in Nowhere, Nebraska. It’s the only way she knows how to survive.

But then Alex. _Alex_. Alex makes her want to spill all her secrets. Alex makes her want to be more honest than she’s been in her entire life. She’d never understood that whole “you make me want to be a better man” thing, but she looks at Alex and she _gets it_.

But she can’t. She can’t do anything, can’t make a move, can’t let Alex make the moves for her. Because Alex is new, and everything is shiny, and Maggie knows eventually Alex is going to realize she _isn’t._ She isn’t shiny, and when Alex figures that out, Maggie doesn’t want her to have the ability to crush her heart.

But she still _wants_. Alex is _so much,_ and Maggie wants. And so Maggie goes to Alex’s house when she’s drunk, because she wants to remember what it’s like to kiss her.

That’s what she does. As soon as Alex opens the door, Maggie takes the three steps to her and kisses her. She wraps a hand around Alex’s neck and the other holds her face, soft, gentle. Everything Maggie is not.

And Alex kisses back. Alex’s hands catch her hips and she tugs Maggie in, pushes her back against the door once it’s closed behind her. Maggie didn’t realize that she wasn’t sure— she wasn’t sure Alex was going to say yes, but she has, she is, she’s kissing her back, and Maggie kisses her harder.

Maggie pushes her body into Alex’s, says her name under her breath. Then Alex says _wait_ , and pushes her back by her hips and Maggie swallows.

“What is going on?” Alex asks.

“I want—” Maggie says, and she doesn’t know how to say it, doesn’t know how to articulate it. She should just say _you_ , because it’s the most true, but that’s not why she’s here. “Just one night, okay? That’s all I want.”

Alex pulls back. Maggie wants to follow her, wants to keep their bodies together. She wants and she wants and she wants.

“Are you kidding me?”

Maggie blinks. She’s not sure what Alex is talking about. “No?”

“All you want is one night? One night with me?”

Of course not. Of course she wants more than one night. She wants _every_ night, but she can’t have it. Alex wouldn’t want it, not if she got to know Maggie. And so Maggie just nods.

“I don’t— yes. That would be enough.”

Alex laughs in her face. Maggie’s heart squeezes tight in her chest. She said she wanted to be with Alex and is laughing at her.

“Well, I’m glad one night would be enough for you, Maggie,” Alex snarls. “And then we could just go back to being friends because you had gotten what you wanted from me.”

That doesn’t— Maggie doesn’t understand what that even means.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you,” Alex says, shaking her head. There are _tears in her eyes_ , and Maggie _doesn’t understand_. “I can’t believe you care so little about me that you’re doing this.”

“Alex, I—”

Alex just says, “No.”

“I don’t care so little about you,” Maggie says. It is imperative that Alex get this. “I care so _much_ about you. And that’s why I want—”

“That’s why you want to fuck me once and then be done with me?”

Oh.

Maggie didn’t realize it could sound like that. Could sound like the opposite of why she’s here. She wants one night because maybe it would be enough. At least then she wouldn’t spend the rest of her life wondering.

“Alex, that’s not—”

“That’s exactly what you’re saying.” Alex’s voice _cracks_ , and Maggie feels like her chest cracks open with it. “You only want one night with me. Well, too bad, Maggie. I’m not so obsessed with you I’m just going to let you use me like that. Go find some alien at the bar if you need an orgasm that badly.”

Alex just leaves. She leaves Maggie in the middle of her living room, chest open so she feels like Alex could see her broken heart if she had stuck around to look. Maggie hears a door close somewhere else in the apartment. She doesn’t— she’s drunk, and she was so _stupid_. She can’t believe she came over, can’t believe she did anything, said anything. She can’t stop thinking about the way Alex’s voice broke. Maggie never wanted to hurt her. That night in the bar, when Alex kissed her, that was bad enough, having to let her down easy. But now she knows what Alex’s face looks like when she’s hurt and it is _completely_ Maggie’s fault. She knows what her voice sounds like on the edge of tears that Maggie put there.

Maggie closes her eyes and says Alex’s name, softly, gently, the way she always wants to be with Alex.

She has to fix this. Even if it means telling Alex everything, giving Alex the power to break her heart, she has to fix this.

She walks the same direction Alex did, finds the closed door to what she assumes is Alex’s bedroom. She takes a breath, and knocks.

“Alex?” she tries to stay soft, gentle.

“Go away.”

Alex sounds like she’s been crying, actually crying, not just holding back tears, and Maggie hates herself.

“No, Alex,” she says, because she isn’t leaving. “This isn’t what I meant. I—”

“You didn’t mean—” Alex’s breath hitches and Maggie wants to punch herself in the face. “—to be cruel?”

God, _no_.

“I didn’t realize how it would sound,” Maggie says. “Alex, _please_.” She puts both her palms flat against the door. She wants to try the handle, but doesn’t want to invade Alex’s space when she’s not wanted.

“Oh, so you didn’t mean to be cruel, just unthinking,” Alex snaps. She sounds like she’s trying to get mad so she isn’t sad anymore. “Just so focused on how drunk and horny you were, no thoughts at all about how I might fucking feel. Get out of my apartment, Sawyer.”

“I didn’t come here because I was horny.” She didn’t come here just because she felt like having sex. She came for _Alex_ , to be with _Alex_.

Alex laughs at her again. Maggie thinks of the way she’s made Alex laugh before, on a case or after, in the bar. It never sounded like this. This laughter sounds empty.

“No?” Alex says. “Why else did you want to come over at midnight and ask to fuck me?”

She didn’t want to fuck her; she wanted to make love to her. But the distinction feels stupid and childish.

She wants to fix this, though, so she tries to explain.

“I wanted to know what it was like,” Maggie breathes. “I know I don’t—” _deserve it_ , she should say, because she doesn’t. But she’s just supposed to be explaining, not feeling sorry for herself. “God, I wanted to kiss you again. To know what it was like to really kiss you.” Because the kiss in the bar wasn’t enough, wasn’t even close. “Just once. Just to know what it was like. Even though you’re not— we’re not— even though I can’t have you. I just wanted to know.”

Maggie rests her forehead on the door. That’s it, that’s her whole self, it feels like, lying out of the table to be inspected.

The door opens, suddenly, and Maggie stumbles through it. Alex looks for a moment like she’s going to _catch her_ , but she doesn’t, doesn’t even reach out. Maggie gets herself steady on her feet after a moment, her head swimming from the booze. Alex’s face is wet with tears, and Maggie can’t even look at it.

“What do you mean?” Alex asks.

Maggie shrugs. It was easier to say talking to a closed door. She’s not so brave face-to-face.

“Maggie.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh for fuck’s— you don’t get to come over in the middle of the night and kiss me and say all this— _stuff_ that you said and then decide you don’t want to talk about it.” Alex swallows. When she speaks again, her voice is quieter. “What do you mean?”

“I mean what I said.” Maggie glances up, but she still can’t deal with the tears of Alex’s face. She looks away.  

“What do you mean you can’t have me?”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “I can’t,” she says. “You are… you’re you, and I— we’re friends. I know that. But I got drunk and I just— God, Alex, I’ve already said this.”

“Say it again,” Alex demands. “You’re not making sense.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie says. “You obviously don’t want to— I’ll just go.”

She tries to. She wants to leave, wants to get out of here without making anything worse, without fucking up their relationship any more than she already has. Maybe they can still be friends after this.

Maggie tries to leave, but before she gets to the door, Alex gets in front of her and says _no_.

“Alex, _please_ ,” Maggie isn’t above begging.

“Why can’t you have me?”

Maggie almost laughs. Because Alex is everything, and she deserves everything, and Maggie wants her to have everything, wants to never hold her back. “You barely know me,” Maggie says. “If you did, you wouldn’t want to date me. It’s not a big deal.” She tries to smile at Alex, because she is _important_ to her, whether they date or not. Maggie doesn’t want Alex thinking she’s only her friend because she wants to fuck her. “I am really happy to be your friend.”

“I don’t want to be your fucking friend,” Alex says, and Maggie’s mouth drops open. “I want to be with you, Maggie.”

That would be nice. That would be everything, really. If Alex wasn’t new to this, if Alex knew other queer women, she’d know Maggie isn’t anything special. Maggie tries to explain.

“You think that, but you don’t know,” she says. “When you get to know me—”

“I know you,” Alex cuts in. “I do, and I want to know you better and one night isn’t enough for me.”

Maggie wishes she had never come. Maggie wishes she had never let Alex see how she felt, see that she had feelings at all. She wishes she had gotten drunk and gone home with whoever was willing. It would have been easier. Her chest wouldn’t feel like there was an elephant on it. She could have lived her life forever without Alex looking at her the way she’s looking at her now— beautiful and pleading.

“Why don’t you want to be with me?” Alex asks.

“I _do,_ ” Maggie says. She does. So much. “I do, because you're _amazing_ , Alex. But I’m just a cop with baggage. And if I wasn’t the first lesbian you ever met—” Alex scoffs, but Maggie’s pretty sure she’s right about that— “you’d realize that. And you deserve so much better.”

Alex says _bullshit_ immediately. She says, “No one deserves anything, Maggie. That’s not how the world works. I didn’t deserve to have my life overturned by a thirteen year old crashing into it when I was just a teenager myself, but Kara is the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t deserve to spend so long completely in the dark about— about— about a big part of who I am. But I did. It happened whether I deserved it or not.”

Maggie gets what she’s saying, she does, but Alex _does_ deserve everything, deserves the world. And Maggie wants to give it to her. And that’s why Maggie knows they can’t be together.

“That doesn’t mean you should actively choose something that isn’t good enough for you,” she says. “I—”

“You are good enough for me!” Alex yells it so loud Maggie forgets what she was going to say. “You are _so good_. And it’s not just because I’m fresh off the boat or _whatever_. I don’t like a lot of people either, okay? But you are strong and smart and you make me laugh all the time and I feel warm whenever I’m around you, and if you want to talk about deserving things, I think I deserve that. I deserve to be happy and so do you.”

Alex _does_ , she deserves to be _so happy_ , and that’s why Maggie said no. Why can’t Alex understand that? It’s sweet that she thinks Maggie is great, but she doesn’t know her well enough to realize she’s wrong about her.

“You do deserve to be happy, Alex,” Maggie says. “Which is why you shouldn’t be with an insensitive, hard-headed, obsessed with work, borderline sociopath.”

“You don’t get to decide what would make me happy,” Alex snaps. “And you don’t get to talk about yourself like that, either. Your ex was shitty, okay? And stupid and _blind_. You aren’t anything she said about you. You are driven and passionate and so sensitive it’s hard to believe sometimes. Even now, you think you’re doing what’s best for _me;_  you’re being an idiot about this because you’re trying to make me happy.”

“I’m not being an idiot.”

“You are,” Alex says.

Maggie stares at her. God, she wants to believe her.

“No, you're just not listening to me.”

“You're right,” Alex says. “I'm not. Because you're _wrong_ , and too drunk to be told otherwise. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

Maggie knows when she's being dismissed. But Alex is still standing between her and the door.

Maggie rolls her eyes. “Fine, let's talk tomorrow,” she says. “Could you get out of my way so I can go?”

Alex doesn't get out of her way.

Alex makes her sleep on the couch.

It makes sense, Maggie knows. But she's also drunk and humiliated, and now that she knows Alex isn't in pain because of her, she'd rather be alone to lick her wounds.

Instead, Alex gets her set up on the couch with a pillow and blanket. She makes her drink a glass of water, too, and if Maggie had any fight left in her she’d push back against being babied like this, but in all honesty, it’s kind of nice. No one has taken care of Maggie this well in a long time. Alex asks one more time if she needs anything, and then leaves her to sleep on the couch.

Maggie sits on the edge of the couch for a long time. Alex left her a second glass of water on the coffee table. Maggie looks at it for a while. She drinks half of it, and finally takes off her boots and lies down.

She resolves to sneak out. She’ll wait until she’s sure Alex is asleep, and she’ll leave. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to handle Alex in the morning, earnest and kind while Maggie is hungover and undeserving.

She lies awake staring at the ceiling, wondering how long it takes Alex to fall asleep, wondering when she’ll be in the clear. Alex would stop her, is the thing, she knows Alex would get out of bed and physically restrain her if she tried to leave. As much as Maggie’s drunk mind enjoys the thought of Alex restraining her, she wants to get out of here with whatever dignity she has left.

It’s not much dignity, she knows. It took her alien booze to get brave enough to talk to Alex about how she feels. That's not even true—it took alien booze for her to act without thinking. It took Alex in pain to get her to talk about how she feels.

She can't believe Alex kissed her in the bar, sober. Alex is so _fiercely_ brave, and Maggie is a coward. Reason number nineteen that Alex deserves better.

She checks her phone. It’s been a half an hour without sounds from Alex’s room. Not long enough, she decides, and she’s right, because right then she hears Alex’s bedroom door open. Maggie counts the steps as Alex pads down the hallway. Alex is coming closer, and Maggie closes her eyes, pretends to be asleep. Alex’s footsteps stop on the edge of the living room.

Maggie lets her stand there for a while, but that’s all Alex does. She doesn’t move, and Maggie’s curiosity eventually gets the best of her. She sits up.

Alex is leaning against the doorway to the hallway, her arms crossed. The room is too dark for Maggie to read her face.

“This is stupid,” Alex says. “Come sleep next to me.”

Maggie doesn’t move.

“I’ve fallen asleep watching TV out here enough times to know that couch isn’t particularly comfortable,” Alex says. “I don’t want you to be sore in the morning, okay? Just come sleep in the bed. We’re both adults; it’ll be fine.”

Maggie swings her feet off the couch and stands up. She is pretty certain this is a horrible idea. Not because anything will happen, necessarily, but because her heart might catch fire being that close to Alex. Being trusted to sleep next to her, sleep _in her bed._  Maggie can’t believe it’s happening even as she follows Alex down the hall.

“You want sweatpants or something to sleep in?” Alex asks.

Maggie watches her open a drawer of her dresser and pull out a pair of pants. Alex turns back to her, offering the pants. Maggie just stares at her. Maggie isn't quite so drunk anymore, but she isn't exactly sober either, and Alex is in her bedroom telling Maggie to change before they share a bed. Maggie still wants to kiss her, knows she's not allowed to.

“Thanks,” she says, and takes the pants.

Alex lets them go almost before Maggie’s got a grip on them. Alex looks at her, then away, then climbs into the far side of the bed without saying anything else.

This is stupid. Maggie should leave.

Maggie takes her pants off instead. Alex’s sweatpants are soft. Maggie imagines wearing them in mornings after, imagines Alex in her clothes. She imagines all the things she doesn’t deserve. She reminds herself they’re not real, anyway, reminds herself Alex would realize Maggie isn’t worth it before they ever got to that point. The reminder doesn’t work so well when it’s followed by climbing into bed beside Alex.

She keeps her back to Alex, just as Alex’s back is to her, as though that will make this easier. As though she can’t feel Alex’s body heat radiating toward her under the blankets. This is definitely stupid. She’s never going to get to sleep. She’s just going to have to lie here until morning, then talk to Alex hungover and exhausted.

Maggie usually sleeps on her back. Usually sleeps spread eagle in the middle of her bed because she doesn’t have to share it with anyone. Alex’s breath is exaggeratedly even. Maggie rolls onto her back, even though she doesn’t think it’s going to help her sleep.

It certainly doesn’t help when Alex gives up on pretending to sleep and rolls all the way over, looks at her. Maggie looks back.

“Hi,” Alex says.

Maggie breathes and Alex looks at her mouth. Maggie rolls toward her. Maggie wants to kiss her. Alex wants to kiss her, too, wants to be with her, is what she says. Maggie wants to believe her, wants to believe she’ll still feel like that when she knows Maggie a little better, but it’s hard.

“I’m scared.” Maggie doesn’t mean to say it out loud.

“I get that,” Alex says, but Maggie isn’t sure she does. Alex is brave, about everything. Maggie isn’t sure she knows what scared means. “I do. But I think it might be a little less scary in the morning.”

Maggie swallows. “I don’t know.”

Alex smiles at her, and it’s almost enough to make her believe. “I don’t know either,” she says. “But will you stay and see?”

Where’s Maggie going to go? She’s already in Alex’s sweatpants, in her bed. She’s terrified of tomorrow, of how she’ll feel about this whole thing fully sober, about having to explain to Alex why she’s not worth it. But she can’t leave now.

She nods, and Alex’s smile grows.

“Okay,” she says. “Good night, Maggie.”

She closes her eyes, right away. Maggie lets herself look at her. Even with her eyes closed, Alex is still smiling. Alex has her hands almost tucked under her chin, looks like the epitome of calmness, serenity. It makes Maggie’s heart settle in her chest.

Maggie thinks maybe she could be brave. Maybe she could try. Maybe she could open herself to Alex, who is so good and kind. Maybe she’ll end up hurt anyway, but there beside Alex, whose mouth is turned up at the corners, Maggie thinks she could be brave. She thinks _you make me want to be a better man._

She moves her hand up, chews on her top lip a little. Then she closes her eyes and slides her hand between Alex’s. She can feel Alex start at the contact, but she doesn’t pull back as Maggie interlaces their fingers. Maggie keeps her eyes closed, because her bravery only extends so far.

Alex squeezes her hand, and Maggie can’t help but smile. She squeezes back.

“Good night, Alex.”

 

 


End file.
